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Pot boiled over. Run for stopping it. In a spilt second, I slipped and hit the temple at the counter.

Fortunately it’s not my temple but my specs’ temple.

My specs was broken.

broken specs

I bought this thick-temple spec before having chemotherapy

for hiding eyebrows and eyelashes which might be lost in treatment.

Even I didn’t loose them, it protected my feeling during I was weak.

 

Over 8 years passed. I’m no longer weak.

Now it’s broken, finish its role.

I no need your protect. Thank you so much.

 

壊れたメガネ

 

鍋が吹いて、火を止めに走る。その一瞬、滑って転倒。カウンターに激突。

幸運なことに、ぶつけたのは私のこめかみではなくて、メガネのつるだった。

メガネは壊れてしまったけれども。

 

これは、抗がん剤治療が始まる前、

眉とまつ毛が抜けてしまうのを恐れて選んだ分厚いフレームのメガネだった。

そんなことは起こらなかったけれども、弱っていた気持ちを守ってくれた。

 

8年以上が過ぎ、私はもう弱くなんかない。

壊れて、役割を終えたメガネ。私はもう大丈夫。守ってくれてありがとう。

I was born in year of the Tiger.

*

During chemotherapy and recovery, I stopped almost of all activities, stayed in bed.

Body was weak. Still mind was alive.

*

IMG_1411

I was wounded female tiger,

hide in a dark cave.

No angry. No hatred.

With sharp and clear mind.

waited patiently.

*

When the time came,

stepped into bright world.

Started walking, then running.

*

Jump over green fields.

Freedom.

Full of energy.

Having dark resting period,

world is vast, full of joy.

*

Jump!

I waited the time came.

*

I finish waiting for my body recovered.

I finish waiting for someone comes back and understand me.

I finish waiting for some miracle happens and suddenly things go well.

Observe the bottom of myself.

Accept real me.

Believe my wish.

*

I do some good things from my heart.

I do some bad things with reasons.

I do my best in this moment.  No regret. No worries.

*

Tomorrow might not come. Then I can breath calmly now.

*

Photo by Joseph

After chemotherapy, my re-born hair is softer than original. But large part lost color.

For avoiding chemical on my new hair, I go natural herb ‘Henna’ for dyeing into shiny orange.

*

‘Hanna’ is natural herb, only orange color, no black.

It changes the white hair into light orange in one time. By several time hair turn to bright- brown. So one line of my hair is gradation from orange to brown. I dye every 2-4 weeks. Hair condition is very good.

Lovely bright color on my new life!

 

Make thick black tea. Pour the henna powder in a bowl. Add lime juice, tea and a bit of coconuts oil. Mix well. Leave the mud over night.

Wash the hair without conditioner. Dry up. Wear urtra thin latex gloves. Grab the mud. Smear mud cover all over the hair from the scalp. Wrap the head. wait 2 hours.

Mud makes the skin orange too. But the skin color is vanished the next day. Don’t worry.

Wash the hair. I like to put coconuts oil on. Shiny hair I get.

*

 ‘Suhanna’

I buy from ‘golden place’ super market. From BTS Saladaeng, walk on Silom road towards Chong nonsi. Leftside there is CP Tower.  Basement floor. 1 pack about 200 bahts. 1 pack contains 100g. For my short hair 75g is enough for one time.

I’m not vegitarian. My condition is ‘eat what I really want to eat.’ Sounds not yogini?

 

When I was in chemotherapy, I didn’t have enough blood. Without aware I ate ‘blood card’ in a  noodle bowl. I felt it was surprisingly delicious!

After my blood coming back, I tried again. I learned it was not such a good. For getting Iron I eat spinach and Brassicaceae leaves often.

*

After the meal or the next day, I observe my condition. It answers whether I ate kindly to my body or not. If I felt deliciocs, mostly the condition goes good. When I am tired, I eat some meat. Next day my body is heavy, but get more energy. I eat carefully, considering  my needs at that time and next day’s schedule.

The problem is the image or memories ‘it must be delicious’. But actually it is not delicious. It is just illusion and habit.

Be wise and kind to our body.

*

 

Stir fried creamy spinach : upper photo

Ingedients; Spinach, salt,  A( yogurt, salt, pepper) B (sliced garlic, sliced almond, olive oil, salt), Cheese, chilli and garlic in olive oil

Blanch the spinach in salted boiled water. Remove into cold water. Drain and cut. Put it and A into food processer. Grind them.

Put B in small pan. Heat over medium law heat. Stair them until turning into golden color. Remove from the pan.

Place some cheese and pour spinach mixture in the hot pan.

When the cheese melted, remove on a plate. Sprinkle B and oil (option) on top.

 

Spinach in Ponzu-dressing : lower photo

Blanch the spinach as same as upper recipe. Drain ,cut it, place in a small bowl. Pour Ponzu-dressing. Sprinkle Katsuo-bushi (sliced dried Bonito) on it.

There are three books, came though with me in my treatment period.

*

Blue photo album was presented from my friend. We were togather one day before my operation, chatted, took photos for ex-me memories.

Brown note was my journal. I wrote my condition in detail objectively, one day- one page. I talked with my doctor based on this, could see my consition’s up and down, gradually recovered.

I wrote what I felt in blue note in very honest way. Fear and anger, happiness and sorrow, my resolution. My friends’ heart-warming message in the facebook and mobile were kept in it.

*

I keep these three books with gratitude towards my friends and myself,

the long way I came.

*

三冊の本

治療を受けてた間、ずっと一緒だった3冊の本。

青いアルバムは友達からの贈り物。手術の前日、集まってお喋り。過去の私の記念に。

茶色のノートは、日誌。1日1ページ客観的に状況を書き込む。医師との相談のためのデータでもある。見返すと、日々、状況は前進したり後退したり。でも、全体としてゆっくり回復していくのが見える。

青いノートに正直な気持ちを書く。恐れと怒り。喜びと悲しみ。そして、希望。

Facebookやメッセージを通した友達の温かいことばも無くしてしまわないように。

3冊の本を大事にとっておく。友達に、自分に、そしてこの道のりに感謝するために。

My motto used to be

‘Do many things as much as I can today. Do my best till success.’ 

After I started chemotherapy, I changed my motto. ‘Live like a sloth.’

*

Chemo is cleansing body in hard core way.

Once it started, no energy at all.

I felt useless and helpless.

If I do too much, become tired,

I must pay the price later.

*

Then I changed my motto.

*

I accepted my condition

for let the medicine fully work,

regarded those treatment time as resting ,

re-constructing my life in positive way.

‘Now I’m cleansing my body.

Kindly wait for a while.’

*

Past can’t be changed. No one knows tomorrow. Accusing and worry are useless.

How to live blissfully from now on.

Let things go as it is. Mind became calm and clear.

*

Having came back into mankind, the sloth is still in me.

Me-now is kinder to others and myself.

‘Do few thing only I really want to do today, mindfully.

Others? Maybe tomorrow. Never mind.’

ナマケモノ暮らし

「今日、可能な限りたくさんのことをやる。がんばってやりとげるのだ。」

というのが昔の私のモットーでした。

抗がん剤治療をはじめて、モットーを変更。「ナマケモノ暮らし」

抗がん剤治療は、ハードコアな体のクレンジング。

はじまったら、エネルギーはない。何もできない。どうしようもない。

やりすぎて疲れたら、その代償をあとで払わなきゃばならない。

で、モットー変更。

薬の効果を最大限に発揮させるため、自分の状況を受け入れる。

この数ヶ月を休息と人生の再構築と見なすことにする。大丈夫。

「現在、カラダの清掃中です。しばらくお待ち下さい。」

過去は変えられない。明日のことは誰にもわからない。

誰かを責めても、心配も何の役にも立たない。

これから、幸せに生きるにはどうしたらいいだろう。

あるがままにうけいれる。精神は静かに明確になる。

ニンゲンに戻ってからもナマケモノはまだいる。前より他の人に自分に優しくなれる。

「今日やりたいことだけをすこし、でも丁寧にやる。

他のこと?そのうちね。なるようになるさ。」

When my oncology doctor said ‘ With this chemotherapy your hair will fall down. Don’t worry. It will be back.’

I was not sure I should have cry or laugh. Because the doctor had not so much hair left, though he was still young.

So I went a wig shop and reserve a wig.

The shop said, if I wouldn’t need it, I could cancel. I chose the style, I could’t make by my original hair.

When the day came, I felt thousand little birds picking my hairs.

I went the shop, walked into private room. I asked the staff to shave my long hair and teach how to wear the wig.

I walked out the shop with new hair. On the way back, I poped over hair salon at Siam square for adding some detail on my wig.

No worry anymore.

I wore this wig for 5 months. Then I changed into very short style with  my lovely new-born hair. Now I use comb!

I also wore thin cotton scarfs in my skin head time. Much cooler.

I wore scarf, made up my face strongly with sexy outfits, high heel shoes. Sometime I just went with skin head. My friends said ‘Oh! Hot!’

Wig shop information. ‘Studio 404’

It comes from Japanese famous wig maker. From BTS Chitlom station, go skywalk, walk into Amarin Plaza, turn left. first corner. This shop is for ladies. On upper floor they have the shop for men and small private rooms for fitting and adjustment the hair. If you want other hair colors, you can order.

カツラにバイバイ、ブラシにこんにちは!

抗がん剤治療の先生に「この薬で髪の毛は抜けますが、心配いりません。又生えてきますから」と言われた時、泣くべきか笑うべきかわからなかった。だってその先生はまだ若かったんだけど、もうあまり残ってなかったんだもの。

というわけで、ヘアーウィッグの店に行ってひとつ取り置き。お店の人は親切で「もし必要なかったら、キャンセルできます。」だって。私の癖毛でできない髪型のを選んでみる。

100羽の小鳥が髪を啄んでる様な感じの朝に、お店に行って、個室のフィッテングルームに通してもらう。その場で髪を剃り落としてもらって、カツラのかぶり方を習う。お店を出る時には、初めてのあこがれのボブヘア。そのまま、おしゃれなヘアサロンに寄って、髪型にもうすこしニュアンスをね。

心配することなんてない。

約5ヶ月間カツラを使ってから、生まれたての新しい髪でベリーショートに。ブラシいるじゃん!

カツラ以外に、コットンのスカーフの時も。こっちのほうが涼しい。

スカーフの時は、きつめの化粧にセクシーな服を着てハイヒール。時々スキンヘッドでお出かけ。かっこいいでしょ?

バンコクのウィッグショップ「スタジオ404」

アデランスのバンコクショップです。BTSチットロム駅からスカイウォークを渡ってアマリンプラザへ。左折すると最初の角です。この階は女性用で、上階に男性用の店舗と個室のフィッテイングルームがあります。色や髪型もオーダーできます。

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